I recently attended a lecture given by a secularly trained, licensed, and practicing counselor. By every observable measure, she was highly skilled, deeply dedicated, intellectually gifted, and impressively capable of translating theory into practical application. She moved swiftly through attachment theory as it relates to trauma and even incorporated biological components. I was genuinely impressed by her ability to explain how attachment theory impacts our earthly relationships, both in fostering connection and contributing to relational breakdown.
And then I heard it, the moment when the secular lens became clear.
She shared her amazement at hearing, in another lecture, how the biblical concept of holiness seemed to fit so well into attachment theory. That statement landed loudly for me. Right there is the limitation every Christian should recognize when it comes to secular psychology and its role in a believer’s pursuit of mental and spiritual health.
From a biblical counseling perspective, that explanation is backwards.
Holiness does not fit into attachment theory; rather, attachment theory may reflect fragments of what Scripture has already revealed about holiness and relationship. As a Christian counselor, I would describe this as general revelation, truths God reveals to all humanity, believers and unbelievers alike, to make life on earth more pleasantly livable (Psalm 19:1–4; Romans 1:19–20).
General revelation always points, whether acknowledged or not, back to God as the Creator and Revealer of all truth. Many psychological theories that genuinely help people function better in relationships can rightly be understood as general revelation. They work horizontally, offering limited insight into human behavior and relational patterns. But they are ultimately narrow funnels of what God has already revealed fully through special revelation, His Word (2 Timothy 3:16–17).
All truth leads back to right relationship with God, which then brings us into healthier relationships with others and all creation. This truth is revealed clearly and sufficiently in Scripture.
The Direction of Healing Matters
Here is the concern from a biblical counseling perspective: not only does secular counseling often attempt to fit fallen people into biblical truths backward, but for Christians, doesn’t this approach also reverse the proper direction of healing?
Attachment theory aims to predict relational behavior based on early interpersonal experiences. According to the theory, if your relationships growing up were safe, loving, and stable, you may enjoy relatively healthy relationships today. If they were unsafe, unstable, or unloving, you may struggle with trust and intimacy.
But notice the focus: earthly relationships with fallen, sinful people, people who love conditionally (Romans 3:23).
Through a secular lens, healing insecure attachment often involves repairing relational wounds by forming new relationships with other broken people, using general revelation alone. The new foundation for love becomes, once again, other fallen humans.
For the Christian, this raises an important question:
How do we grow closer to God if our primary focus is repairing relationships with others rather than restoring our relationship with Him first?
Vertical Healing Before Horizontal Repair
Scripture consistently teaches that transformation flows from the vertical relationship with God down into our horizontal relationships with others.
“The Bible is living and active” (Hebrews 4:12). It reveals God’s character, and God is love (1 John 4:8). He is faithful, unchanging, and steadfast (Lamentations 3:22–23; Hebrews 13:8).
If we heal the ruptures in our relationship with God, what becomes the foundation of our healing?
Love.
Not conditional love.
Not fragile love.
But eternal, faithful, covenantal love (Romans 8:38–39).
When we begin to truly experience and trust God’s love, how can that not transform our earthly relationships?
From that foundation flows fruit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22–23).
Love is how we glorify God in all relationships (John 13:34–35). When our foundation is secure in Him, repairing relationships with others becomes less threatening and more fruitful because we are no longer drawing from an insecure source.
When Earthly Mirrors Are Broken
One obstacle many of us face is that our attachment to God the Father is often filtered through our relationships with our earthly parents or caregivers. When those mirrors are broken, distorted, or abusive, learning to trust God can feel deeply challenging (Psalm 27:10).
God is not physically visible. He is not tangible in the way people are. For those who have been abused, neglected, or emotionally abandoned, trusting an unseen Father can feel almost impossible.
This is where the biblical counseling and the church comes in.
God uses the body of Christ (the church) to encourage, support, and gently guide believers back to Him (1 Corinthians 12:12–27; Hebrews 10:24–25). Christian relationships are meant to foster fellowship, not replace or stand between you and God, but to point you back to Him and His Word.
And, from a biblical counseling perspective, any intervention that does not ultimately lead you deeper into your personal relationship with God risks becoming a distraction rather than a support (Colossians 2:8).
True biblical fellowship and counseling pours encouragement, Scripture, and the presence of God into our lives as it is reflected through other believers (Proverbs 27:17). This biblical truth also supports group counseling among Christians.
The Proper Flow of Love
Healing begins with God and flows downward, not the other way around.
Attachment styles are built on earthly terms.
Pure love is built through heavenly means.
“Love originates from God” (1 John 4:7). The natural flow of love begins with the Source and moves through us to others.
Jesus Himself summarized it clearly:
“Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength… and love your neighbor as yourself” (Mark 12:30–31).
If loving God fully comes first, the desire and ability to love others well follows naturally.
After all, it was earthly relationships that caused the wounds. God’s character never changes, but fallen humanity’s does (Numbers 23:19). When Christ is our foundation, the Rock on which we stand, we engage other sinners not from our own strength, but from His (Matthew 7:24–25; 2 Corinthians 12:9).
Putting Off the Old, Putting On the New
Scripture calls us to:
“Put off the old self… and put on the new self” (Ephesians 4:22–24; Colossians 3:9–14).
Put off the identity shaped by trauma.
Put on the love of Christ.
God knows where you have been (Psalm 139). He sustained you through it. He walks with you in your weakness (Isaiah 41:10). As your relationship with Him grows, your capacity to love others grows as well.
Learn healthy attachment to your faithful Creator.
All else will follow.